Set in 79 A.D., Pompeii tells the epic story of how I forced everyone to go see Pompeii for my birthday so we could thrill to the story of Milo (Kit Harington), a slave turned invincible gladiator who finds himself in a race against time to save his true love Cassia (Emily Browning), the beautiful daughter of a wealthy merchant who has been unwillingly betrothed to a corrupt Roman Senator. As Mount Vesuvius notices Jon Snow’s RIDICULOUS ABS it gets…it’s just too much…and it erupts in a torrent of blazing lava. Jon Snow must fight his way out of the arena while Keifer Sutherland continually raises his goblet crying, “Friends, Romans, countrymen, how silly you all look running! What a marvelous show. I think I shall have some more wine! Hubris!”
Someone dies tragically, probably, and the city is buried under tons of ash and mud until millennia later, I drive up the slope of the dormant volcano and peer into the crater like an idiot.
It is the worst post-credits scene of all time. In theaters in February!
